so i’m packing for choir tour/on facebook and this girl i knew in high school popped up on my newsfeed. let’s call her amy. i wasn’t a huge fan of amy and we were never what anyone would call friends, but we sang in a choir together and were generally courteous towards each other. here’s the thing though- amy is ugly. i’m not saying that to be mean, because honestly i have no investment in amy. it’s also not that she’s just not pretty or average-looking, it’s that she is honest-to-goodness unattractive by every convention (obvi these beauty conventions are problematic, but that’s not what this post is about).
here’s the other thing though, amy doesn’t try to be beautiful. she doesn’t wear make-up, she doesn’t brush her hair, she doesn’t do anything to alter her naturally unattractive appearance. granted, this is all based on a few minutes of facebook stalking so i have no idea, maybe she only posts the bad photos and my memories of high school are no longer relevant. regardless, i found myself getting truly angry while looking at the photos.
this is what i was thinking, stream of conciousness-style:
-how dare she
-i have to work so hard to be pretty what makes her think she doesn’t have to
-does she even know she’s ugly
-who does she think she is
-this is so unfair
-everyone else puts in some effort does she think she is better than everyone else
-does that guy know she’s ugly
-what the hell is her problem
to be clear, i was mad because some girl from high school as represented to me by facebook wasn’t ashamed enough of her ugliness.
what the FUCK. one look at the rest of my tumblr will tell you i’m pretty into the whole accept each other/personal freedom/fuck the system/tina feyminism thing. i go to Vassar for fuck’s sake; i am constantly surrounded by women who actively reject beauty standards while saving the polar bears and teaching inmates with cancer how to read. to be fair, these ladies are also usually stick-thin because of their veganism and dangerously beautiful because of the cocaine, but you get it.
i was upset with amy because she was seemingly unburdened by the crushing self-consciousness most girls feel from birth. i’m not saying amy isn’t made to feel self-conscious, i honestly have no idea, i’m just saying that based on her photos it didn’t seem to affect her in the same way. instead of being happy for her break-through, i was indignant.
i don’t know why i felt so immediately resentful. i’m sure someone with a more objective opinion of my mental state could tell you i’m projecting my internalized self-loathing or that im sleep deprived or whatevs, but i really don’t know. for right now, i’m just frustrated by my own complicity in the system.